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- 💌 7 Lessons in Love
Hey guys! 👋 I hope you've all had a fantastic week. In this week’s newsletter, I want to switch things up a bit and talk about a topic I rarely touch on: love and relationships. My partner and I recently celebrated our anniversary, which got me reflecting on the most important things I've learned about love over the last few years. Here are some of them:
Forgiveness is the most important thing. We all mess up, and if you plan to be with someone long-term, you'll both mess up hundreds of times. Even when you don’t feel like it, forgiving someone over and over again is what allows you both to move forward. And if you show your partner forgiveness, the next time you mess up (and you undoubtedly will), they will show you forgiveness too.
How are you difficult to live with? Everyone is difficult to live with or spend time with for extended periods of time. Your friends probably know this about you, but they often only want a peaceful lunch for a few hours a week/month. Your mum definitely knows, but you're her sweet child who she never wants to hurt. So you may not immediately know the difficult aspects of yourself that are challenging to live with, but when you find things about your partner that you don’t like, remember that you too are difficult to live with at times (and that is okay).
Seeing your partner as hurt, rather than bad. We all mess up, and when we do, we might say things that we later regret. This might particularly happen when you or your partner is sick, anxious, or stressed. As humans, I think we underestimate the impact that being hypoglycemic or tired has on our moods and personalities. If they mess up, they are probably hurt or stressed, not bad.
Our personalities are largely defined by our past and upbringing. We all have a past, and most of us have difficult upbringings. These experiences have shaped us into who we are and, for the most part, control how we respond to situations. For example, if your partner has a 'weird' tendency to not like situations involving alcohol, it might be because their dad was an alcoholic who took it out on their family. Rather than seeing them as 'bad' for getting uncomfortable when you mention having a drink with your friends, try to figure out if there is a deeper meaning to why they react that way and, when you do, show them kindness.
Love is about teaching and being taught. I see love like a classroom at times, where each person takes turns educating one another on how to improve or be better together. Maybe your partner doesn’t understand how to address certain situations; use that as an opportunity to politely explain without humiliating them.
It is okay to want your partner to change and for them to want to change us. Romanticism teaches us that we should find someone who is exactly as we want them to be. If they have one aspect of their personality that you don’t like, don’t seek to change it; move on and find someone that you shouldn’t change. There are many nuances to this argument, which will be lengthy to get into, but what I largely believe is that we should find someone with key foundational values that are important to us. Once we find someone with this, any other difference can be discussed and potentially changed. For example, it may be difficult to change their religion, but quite simple for them to start putting their dishes straight into the dishwasher. People can change, but only if they want to, and it probably won’t happen as quickly as you’d like it to.
Compatibility should be an achievement of love, rather than a prerequisite. I mostly believe this to be true. Of course, as I mentioned, there are certain prerequisites that we may want to have in a person (e.g., they have the same religion as you, believe in monogamy, etc.). But I've found that the longer and harder you work on a relationship, the better it becomes. Find someone who is 85% of what you want in a partner and work on the final 15%.
I'll end on this note: relationships are bloody difficult. There is no key to a good relationship, and each relationship is individualistic. Work hard on your relationship, but rest assured that like everything else in our lives, relationships are very difficult, and that is okay. Everything will be fine. 🙂
👍🏾 Things I’ve enjoyed this week
Texting a friend whenever you think of them (life hack) - This week, I decided to text a friend whenever I think about them. I did this to one of my friends from medical school, and from that one text, we were on a Factime call the next morning catching up over the last 8 months. I definitely plan on doing this more often, and hopefully, it will lead to more catch-ups like these.
Manifest (Netflix series) - Long story short, this series is about a group of passengers that get onto a plane and when they land, 5 years have gone by. Weird things start to happen when they get off the plain. Very interesting!
Sprinter by Central Cee and Dave (song) - My new favourite song that I have on repeat for my gym workouts. I love the whole album by these two. Add it to your gym playlist - trust me!
📚 Highlight of the week
We think about our friends a lot, but they don’t know it. When you think about someone, just text them and tell them. It brightens their day, makes you feel good and deepens your friendship. This single rule has been one of the best hacks I’ve ever followed.
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to desire.
We use elevator rides and checkout lines as opportunities to tap out one more email or respond to one more Jira ticket. Silicon Valley worships at the altar of productivity and calls it “purpose.” We praise those who pursue side grinds and passive income strategies—as if the 8 to 10 hours we give to our employers each day aren’t enough. And we tether our sense of self-worth to our output. But the real benefit of working less isn’t that it gives us space to pick up a side grind or to “recharge” for when we’re back on the clock. The real benefit is that it allows us to pick up our kids from school and have dinner more often as a family. Working less makes us better friends and neighbors. It allows us the space to exercise regularly and to read for pleasure, and to create art that no one has to see.
My Italian grandmother did not expect work to be a reflection of her identity. After my grandfather passed away, she did what she had to do to take care of their five children. She opened a coffee shop in a small town in the heel of Italy’s boot and worked there for 30 years. Until her death, she had a single bulbous bicep from repeatedly pulling down the manual lever of the espresso machine. Her identity was straightforward. First, she was a woman of faith. Then a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a fresh-pasta maker. She enjoyed her work at the coffee shop—loved it, even—but it did not define her.
Resurfaced to me by Readwise
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